I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was. She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.
- Dennis Miller

"You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named 'Bush', 'Dick', and 'Colon.' Need I say more?"
- Chris Rock

Real happiness is when you marry a girl for love and find out later she has money.
- Bob Monkhouse

"When women go wrong, men go right after them."
- Mae West

"It's not true that I had nothing on. I had the radio on."
- Marylyn Munroe