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很多人已指出了语法和拼写的问题,我不重复。您指的几点也在理,这里从文体的角度入手,用自己当年英文文体课和翻译课学到的皮毛,再以第一段的某句为例补评一句。楼主的精神值得鼓励。

英文和中文在文体上有区别,中文虽丰富华丽,但有时未免显得修饰词过多而且无实际意义,而好的英文讲究干练精确,视情况而言,不必要用的分词短语和从句都可以精炼到介词或副词短语即可。因时间关系,我仅评一句典型的,I am writing to you to express my great thanks to Ms. Noshin Assifi at your branch for her great effort made in solving an unauthorized transaction problem that happened to my Master card。 此句中,除to you可省外,great effort made in solving...可直接说(great)effort in solving...,made不用说了,great 可要可不要,因为effort本来意思就很到位了;transaction problem that happened to my mastercard,可以直接说transaction problem of my mastercard,因为前面的结构已经够长了,这里再来个定语从句结构没必要。
总之,英语学习者的一个误区就是,结构越复杂,句子越长,显得水平越高,其实不然,能简单干练地把事情交代清楚,那才是高水平。
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  • 工作学习 / 外语学习 / 我的信用卡被别人盗用,然后信用被破坏,我讨还了公道,,,对此我写了一个感谢信,憋了我3个小时,,,应该是比较完美了,,请大家挑挑语法毛病,呵呵
    本文发表在 rolia.net 枫下论坛Dear Mr. Ray Barnes:

    My name is ***, a former BMO client. I am writing to you to express my great thanks to Ms. Noshin Assifi at your branch for her great effort made in solving an unauthorized transaction problem that happened to my Master card ((#****************) in November 2003. Please let me give you more details in the following.

    In July 2006, when I went to Equifax to check out my credit rating for my mortgage. To my surprise, I found my credit rating is incredible low. Then I found the only very reason was that I had a few payments past due ranging from June to Auguest of 2005 resulted from my Master Card with BMO, which was actually based on one single $19.95 US dollars transaction. In addtion, a " written-off" comment was added under BMO section. Clearly and obviously I did not use that Master Card at all since it was issued to me. Therefore it was an unauthorized transaction. I quickly phoned the BMO legal department several times and left my detailed message at the number 416-237-5222. Unfortunately, nobody answered the phone or returned my call. At last one day she (please allow me not to mention her name) picked up the phone, without listening to me for any detail, insisting that the transaction was done by me and I deserved the punishment of being lowered credit rating. I was desperate. I had nowhere to clarify myself. To be honest, this incident had created significant negative immpression in my mind on BMO. I was even wondering how can BMO do its business with such kind of employee who had such an irresponsible attitude towards the clients.

    Then the thing turned around dramatically. In Coffee Time located at Victoria and Sheppard I met you and talked about my above-mentioned problem. You kindly and quickly refered me to Ms. Noshin Assifi. Upon meeting Noshin Assifi, all my negative impression on BMO is gone instantly and completely. I would say she is another extreme of the BMO employees spectrum: higly helpful and enthusiastic. She was listening to my detailed story with greatest patience. Then swiftly took her action. She took advantage of every resources to sovle my problem by making plentyful of phone calls and a handful of emails. Every effort she made was pushing the problem one step forward towards to its final solution. The thing was draging on almost for four months. I can imagine she had spent tremendous time on solving my problem. Finally, her precious time was paid off. It has turned out that $19.95 US dollars transaction was someone else did it by using an internet website CCBILL.COM. Now BMO has agreed to amend my credit rating back to R1 although I still have not got my money back resulted from my payment in August 2006 to that transaction .

    Well, all in all, this incident has given me a brand new eye to look at BMO. I strongly believe BMO will have more prosperous business due to its employees like Ms. Noshin Assifi. The BMO should be proud of Noshin Assifi, who has a helpful, entusiastic and responsible attitude towards the customers, and who has a spirit to seek the truth. In my opinion, she should be highly praised and should be set as an example in BMO. Please do pass this letter to Noshin Assifi. I am so grateful to her.

    I whish you and her the best!




    Yours truly,更多精彩文章及讨论,请光临枫下论坛 rolia.net
    • too long ... 3hr hrs work is in vain with no spell check: I whish you and her the best!
      • something is better than nothing,,,也许是长了点,但是三个小时写信总比三个小时打麻将好吧??,,最重要的是:一年前我根本不会用英文对话和写信,虽然这个信很多格式是盗用报纸上的文章,坚持下去!!
        • Sry. I mean, you should always use spell-check tool.
          • 靠记忆,不靠工具,,大学的写作考试不可以有字典的,,,怕丢脸就不学英文了,,,有错误你直接指出,尤其是我的文章有哪些一看就是“中国”英文的部分,,
            • I whish you and her the best!
              • 一个老外已经给我指出来了,,,看来很明显,他给我的其他建议还有5个左右,都很精辟,都是我的致命错误,,,,他对我的拼写没说什么,也许是我的缺点太多,他不想都说?呵呵,,,
    • 小人*无聊一族 is right, way too long. Everyone in Canada is busy and nobody has much time to read through.
      • 语法等词语用法有没有致命缺点?文章最大的语病问题是??文章太长不属于语法范围内,,过几天我让一个鬼子看看,也许他们会找出来我的语法错误,,,在这里估计是没指望了,,
    • that happened to my Master card ((#****************) in November 2003.?
      2003?
      • MARSTER 密码删除,所以时间也错了,,我疏忽了,,,
    • 语法、拼写错得还真是不一般的少,先用用拼写检查吧。
      • 具体是???比如说,,,,
        • 自己贴到word里查去, 你这人还真拽.
          • 我最关心的语法,结构错误,,,比如说:我的某个句子属于中国方式,表达方式很奇怪,,本地人不用这样的方式表达,,比如说类似:“你地良心,大大的坏了”这样的错误,,
          • 拽是什么意思?这里英文比我好的不止一万个,,,,我的写作最差,比小学生都不如,,
        • 对于一篇对外的正式信函,应该确保没有太多拼写错误。像你这样,明显是对对方的不尊重。
          • 对!好意见,,,给我时间,我会初步改善,,,写作我一直很头疼,,
            • you have already tried very hard. take it easy, don't give yourself hard time.
    • 写的很好,积极提高,向你学习
      • 我的学习方法都是机械的模仿英文电视对话,反复苦练写作,,把错误都公开,被人挖苦都不在乎,,,这个方法太苯,效率也不高,要是有“速成”,“突击”的英文学习方法就好了,,,
        • 啊,你是那个倡导学习“friends”的朋友
          • 是啊,,说和写作是我的薄弱环节,至今我仍然在改进中,,,写作好象很难改进,,,
      • 我最自豪的成就就是在LINC4级水平,论坛里硕士,博士一堆啊,,,向我学习你真是要上当了,,呵呵,,不过每天在英文上花的时间我也许是这里最多了,
    • If I were her supervisor, I won't appreciate her "plenty of time" spent on this. If I were her, I would worry a little bit about any negitive effect from this thanks letter especially if I were a new comer.
      • 确实是这样,他们两个销售人员,我对其中一个不满意,,另外一个很赞扬,,,我的文章已经尽量很隐晦了,,下次我继续改动一下口气,但是涉及到文化的东西,我能力不够啊,,
    • 不会用拼写检查的干活? 来来, 让有点软给你评分,看看你有多少错误!
      • 下次我还是不用字典检查,!分数肯定会66分!!一定改正!!。。。感觉从报纸文章等偷学语法还是不错,至今没有人给我提出语法,结构的错误,,,看来我的毛病集中在词汇上,语法没什么问题
      • lol
    • It is NOT a thanks letter for real experience. It looks like a case writing exercise. As an writing exercise, it is not too bad except too many spelling errors.
      You were not clear what you would like to appreciate. You do not know how banks solve this kind of issues. You used your rich imagination. So some of your sentences were weird. e.g. Then I found the only very reason was ...;The thing was draging on almost for four months. I can imagine she had spent tremendous time on solving my problem. ... I do not think that recipients would be grateful when they read your letter.
    • Generally speaking thanks letter or such type of writing needs facts to support the conclusion or statement. To be precise and articulate will be helpful.
    • 我帮你指出了比较普遍的问题,希望会有帮助。有些中国式的表达如果不影响理解我就不指出了。你的精神很可嘉,我需要好好向你学习。
      本文发表在 rolia.net 枫下论坛Dear Mr. Ray Barnes:

      My name is ***, a former (为什么former?你现在已经不是他们的客户了吗?)BMO client. I am writing to you to (to you显得多余)express my great thanks to Ms. Noshin Assifi at your branch for her great (前面已经有了一个great thanks,为避免重复,这里只用effort就够了)effort made in solving an unauthorized transaction problem (problem在这里显得多余)that happened to my Master card ((#****************) in November 2003. Please let me give you more details in the following. (这句话没有实际意义,建议删去)

      In July 2006, when(这里不能用when,否则句子不通)I went to Equifax to check out (check就可以了,这里不需要用check out,更好的话可以用review这个词)my credit rating (这里似乎应该用名词rate,而不是rating)for my mortgage. To my surprise, I found my credit rating (见前述)is (这里应该用was)incredible (incredibly,副词)low. Then I found the only very (这里very似为possible之误)reason was that I had a few payments past due (好像用overdue payments好一些)ranging from June to Auguest of 2005 (最好用between...and...表示一段时间)resulted (应为resulting) from my Master Card with BMO (result from后接原因,而my Master Card显然不是一个原因), which was actually based on one single $19.95 US dollars (严格地说,要么写US$19.95,要么写US dollars 19.95,不要混用)transaction (这里好像用one single transaction of US$19.95比较好). In addtion, a " written-off" comment was added under (这里要用定冠词the)BMO section. Clearly and obviously (这两个副词在这里都没起到作用,不如不用)I did not use that Master Card at all since it was issued to me. Therefore it was an unauthorized transaction. I quickly phoned the BMO legal department several times and left my detailed message (messages,复数)at the number 416-237-5222. Unfortunately, nobody answered the phone (已经left messages显然每没人接电话,answered the phone应删去)or returned my call. At last one day she (please allow me not to mention her name)(你不想提名字的话可以说a lady,但不要说she,否则指代不清) picked up the phone, without listening to me for any detail, insisting that the transaction was done by me and I deserved the punishment of being lowered credit rating (这句话过于臃肿,建议改写为若干简单句). I was desperate(desperated,形容词). I had nowhere to clarify myself (你可以clarify一件事情,但不是你自己). To be honest (这里好像应该用In fact), this incident had (has,不是had)created significant negative immpression in my mind on BMO (别人能理解你的意思,但你的说法显得比较别扭). I was even wondering how can BMO (应为how BMO can) do its business with such kind of employee (BMO不会do business with employees, they do business with their clients,这里主语和宾语不一致) who had such an irresponsible attitude towards the clients

      Then the thing (用things好一些)turned around dramatically. In (需要定冠词the)Coffee Time located at Victoria and Sheppard I met you and talked about my above-mentioned (你可以用aforementioned) problem. You kindly and quickly refered me to Ms. Noshin Assifi. Upon meeting (这里不能遗漏Ms.)Noshin Assifi, all my negative impression on BMO is (应为was)gone instantly and completely (这里gone instantly and completely,你可以简单地说went away就行了). I would say she is another extreme (我理解你的意思,但这里用extreme这个词不太合适)of the BMO employees spectrum: higly (highly,拼写错误)helpful and enthusiastic. She was listening to my detailed story with greatest patience. Then swiftly took her action (actions,复数). She took advantage of every resources to sovle my problem by making plentyful (拼写,或者可以说a number of)of phone calls and a handful of (a handful of在这里显得多余)emails. Every effort she made was pushing the problem one step forward towards to (towards和to两者是一回事,只能取其一)its final solution. The thing was draging (拼写)on almost for four months. I can imagine she had spent tremendous time on solving my problem. Finally, her precious time was paid off. It has (这里不需用has)turned out that (需要定冠词the)$19.95 US dollars transaction was someone else did it (这句语法有错)by using an internet website CCBILL.COM. Now BMO has agreed to amend (简单一点,用fix)my credit rating back to R1 although I still have not got my money back resulted from my payment in August 2006 to that transaction(此句不通).

      Well, all in all, this incident has given me a brand new eye to look at BMO. I strongly believe BMO will have more prosperous business due to its employees like Ms. Noshin Assifi. The BMO should be proud of Noshin Assifi, who has a helpful, entusiastic and responsible attitude towards the customers, and who has a spirit to seek the truth. In my opinion, she should be highly praised and should be set as an example in BMO. Please do pass this letter to (这里不能遗漏Ms.)Noshin Assifi. I am so grateful to her.

      I whish you and her the best!




      Yours truly,更多精彩文章及讨论,请光临枫下论坛 rolia.net
      • 佩服
      • 很多人已指出了语法和拼写的问题,我不重复。您指的几点也在理,这里从文体的角度入手,用自己当年英文文体课和翻译课学到的皮毛,再以第一段的某句为例补评一句。楼主的精神值得鼓励。
        英文和中文在文体上有区别,中文虽丰富华丽,但有时未免显得修饰词过多而且无实际意义,而好的英文讲究干练精确,视情况而言,不必要用的分词短语和从句都可以精炼到介词或副词短语即可。因时间关系,我仅评一句典型的,I am writing to you to express my great thanks to Ms. Noshin Assifi at your branch for her great effort made in solving an unauthorized transaction problem that happened to my Master card。 此句中,除to you可省外,great effort made in solving...可直接说(great)effort in solving...,made不用说了,great 可要可不要,因为effort本来意思就很到位了;transaction problem that happened to my mastercard,可以直接说transaction problem of my mastercard,因为前面的结构已经够长了,这里再来个定语从句结构没必要。
        总之,英语学习者的一个误区就是,结构越复杂,句子越长,显得水平越高,其实不然,能简单干练地把事情交代清楚,那才是高水平。
        • 所言即是。简洁其实是一个很高的要求,即使是native speaker,很多人也做不到。
    • I quickly phoned the BMO legal department several times and left my detailed message at the number 416-237-5222
      I quickly phoned the BMO legal department several times ---- can you phone quickly SEVERAL times? i think that you can only phone them quickly at the first time.


      left my detailed message at the number 416-237-5222 -- i would recommend you don't use the number before 416.... . this sentence can be shorten to left my message at 416-237....
    • I am writing to you to express my great thanks to Ms. Noshin Assifi at your branch for her great effort made in solving an unauthorized transaction problem that happened to my Master card ((#****************) in November 2003
      remove the 'made' --- for her great effort in solving .....
      • "I am writing you to...."
    • I found my credit rating is incredible low
      my credit rate is incredibly low
    • Then I found the only very reason was that I had a few payments past due ranging from June to Auguest of 2005 resulted from my Master Card with BMO, which was actually based on one single $19.95 US dollars transaction
      I figured it out that it was due to one unpaid BMO Master Card transaction which was happened on ***
    • At last one day she (please allow me not to mention her name) picked up the phone, without listening to me for any detail, insisting that the transaction was done by me and I deserved the punishment of being lowered credit rating.
      don't use SHE. instead, use a lady picked up the phone
    • incident had created significant negative immpression in my mind on BMO
      incident created a very bad image in my mind about BMO
    • 你的精神很可嘉,我需要好好向你学习to improve my English too.
    • 信用卡怎么被盗的?说听听,挺怕怕的想提防一下。